A friend of mine (obviously, a guy) couldn’t stop talking about the superpower thingy for full five minutes (which for guys, is something that I do not find too often) so I guess I should take a look at the article he’s been talking about. And oh boy, who says The Age can’t do humour?
- Invisibility: The ability to make light travel around you so that you appear invisible to mortals. Pros: Get to sneak into nightclubs without having to pay the cover charge; freak your friends put by making them think they have a poltergeist; Clean up on the kids’ party circuit as THE coolest party clown ever; literally vanish in the middle of a really bad date. Cons: People keep bumping into you, then scream in terror when you say “do you mind?”.
- Super Strength: The power to bend iron girders into knots. Pros: Great party trick; terrific appeal to the opposite sex; can corner the market in public art with your beguiling iron girder sculptures. Cons: Whenever anyone can’t open a jar of jam, who do you think they’re gonna call?
- Super Speed: To run faster than a bullet, a bullet train or something similar to a bullet. Pros: If somebody shoots at you, you’re sorted. Cons: If somebody shoots at you from the opposite direction while you’re running away from the first shooter, you’re stuffed.
- X-Ray Vision: Seeing through objects, people, walls, etc. Pros: Why pay to go to the movies when you can just hang in the foyer and watch the thing for free? Cons: The novelty of watching people digest food wears off quickly – but the memory doesn’t. Urgh.
- Mind Reading: Self explanatory. Pros: Hey! Now you can discover what people really think about you. Cons: Damn! Now you can discover what people really think about you.
- Psychic Ability: Seeing into the future, sensing danger, high-performance lie detection. Pros: Can make a killing at the track, be a king at the casino, win the lottery every single week. Cons: Suddenly you have all these new “friends” who need a short-term loan.
- Shape Shifting: Morphing at will into the shape of any thing or any one. Pros: turn into a mail box, then read all the dopey things people write in letters; if you’re at a restaurant and the bill arrives and you realise you forgot your wallet, you can camouflage yourself as an indoor plant until they stop searching for you, then when place closes, sneak out the fire exit. Cons: Guys will ALWAYS ask you to morph into a hot chick to make their ex-girlfriend jealous.
- Time Freeze: The ability to stop time with a snap of the fingers. Pros: No more quick lunches, fast coffees or emergency rushes to the loo; deadline pressure disappears; get all your reports done and leave work on time every single day so as to enjoy more quality time with the people who make life so rich and rewarding. Cons: If you forget how to snap your fingers to unfreeze time, you’ll be stuck for eternity in a living Hell. Tough break.
- Doppelganger: Projecting a second self so you can be at two places at the one time. Pros: At last. You can watch Weekend at Bernie’s 1 and Weekend at Bernie’s 2 simultaneously! Cons: you know what always happens. The second self goes crazy or becomes evil or something, and you can’t control it, then you realise in your quest to stop it that what you’re actually battling against are your own inner demons.
- Heat Vision: You look at something in a certain way, it explodes into flames. Pros: You’re a hit at every barbecue you go to; great money to be made moonlighting as the guy who lights candles during church services; no more putting up with endless dronespeak from executives. Cons: Not a lot of room to change your mind. Once you’ve incinerated your neighbour’s annoying Datsun 120Y, you can’t really go back and reappraise its form as the perfect shopping car.
But as a fan of Doraemon and yes, the Inheritance series (Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, and oh, the fourth book is coming soon!), I would like to read about teleportation and magic! Come on, I live with the fantasy of having “the door that can go anywhere” (that sounds cheesy, and it sounds a lot better in Indonesian: ‘pintu kemana saja’, what do they call that in english?) from watching all those Doraemon series. And as a young adult, I want to learn about magic spells that enable me to do anything (but not with a wand like Harry Potter, that’s quite troublesome. If my wand’s gone, I’m doomed for good).
Okay, magic is cheating, that’s no superpower. noted.
But it would be nice if they mention something about flying, and hmm… how about something like Professor Xavier in X-Man? As a psychology student, I am always fascinated on how the mind works.
But anyway, I laughed hard. Watching people digesting their food? Changing form into a hot chick to make someone’s ex-girlfriend jealous? Forget how to unfreeze time and stuck for eternity? This article definitely made my day!
And yes, if I can have one superpower, it’d be this:
Teleportation: you think of a place to go, and in a blink, you are able to transport yourself and all things that you grab to your destination. Pros: No need to pay for movie tickets, Disneyland tickets, tram tickets, train tickets, or even airplane tickets. Saving time and improving mental health by avoiding hours of traffic jams. Cons: Forgetting how to walk properly and as a result being overweight. Plus, you got to know exactly where your destination is. Distraction may cause your body to be trapped in the walls.